christmas

christmas...
I have never dreaded Christmas. It has always been my time -- trees in every room, holiday elves hiding around the house, Baby Jesus' birth....but not this year. I dread the thought. dad is sick, very sick, will he live til Christmas? who knows. he made it to his birthday yesterday, 81 years old. my god, 81. but he is sick, wheezing, tired, pretty much confined to his chair. and tired, very tired.and valerie is struggling . I think , Im pretty sure, shes eating well, and not purging, but she and drew are struggling. they moved so fast, they have so much going on, and he is becoming more and more possessive and she is reverting to old behaviors -- flirting, acting immature, and now, a new bonus, drinking daily. my god. she came to the house last nite, make up smeared on her face, so damn sad, so damn scared, and just hugged me for a half hour or so. then got up, straightened her hair and went back to the apartment. i slept on the couch, both phones at my head, just in case. great. christmas. Great.and joe is pregnant. beautiful fiancee who spends money like it is water, and is the most stubborn woman I know -- and he is trying so hard to be strong, and loving, and the "man of the house" and what will I do about mom? and Rose has let Eric back into her life. and george has no idea where to start or what to do. neither do i. i dont remember ever feeling quite this strung out and hopeless. when valerie was in the depths of bulimia, i was terrified. when dad has been sick before i was sad, very sad. but now, between val and dad and joe and rose and mom and george and everything -- i just feel overwhelmed and hopeless. shit. i hate whiny women.and then there is my taresa. who knows if she would even tell me if she was worried or scared about something at this point. I know she senses my fear and pain and doesnt want to burden me. i hope she is ok. i hope she and gregg are as happy as I think they are.this just sucks. and im not sure where any of it is going. im scared, and george keeps telling me I have to be strong and be there for everyone who needs me, im not sure i can.